"Eight thousand, six hundred and forty-two dollars," Sue said, looking expectant.
I stopped in the act of pulling out the debit card from my wallet and gaped at the librarian.
"That can't be right," I said. "I mean, I know I have some overdue books, but they can't be more than a day past due. Could I see…?" I craned my neck, trying to peer around the monitor in front of her.
"I can print out the charges, if you like," Sue said, helpfully. I nodded and she handed me a sheet of paper. I quickly scanned it and sure enough, there were the four books, there was the due date, and there was the charge per second. Wait. Charge per second?
"The library charges per second now for overdue books?" I squeaked.
"Yep, since last month," said Sue cheerfully. "The board decided that with this new policy we'll be able to make up our budget shortfall in no time at all. I've taken in so much money in the past two days that we've been able to re-instate our staff salaries at the investment bank president wage level, plus go from being open from noon to three to nine to five again and put a swimming pool in the employee lounge. If this keeps up, we may be able to add a whole 'nother day to the schedule! That'd put us at four days a week!" She seemed very happy.
"That's great, Sue. I'm glad about the wages and the new pool and things. It's just I don't think I have the whole amount in my account right now," I said, apologetically.
"No problem," she chirped. "We'll just put you into our special low interest rate loan program. You'll be able to continue to borrow materials and the monthly payments are really affordable. Now, which card design would you like? The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle or For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway? Of course, you can also choose any favorite book or movie for your very own personal imprint."
"Um, the caterpillar will be fine," I said. A line was starting to form behind me.
Sue tapped some more information into her computer. "I'll just transfer all this information from your regular membership card and then pull up your current credit report, and hey, good news! You pre-qualify for the Gold Preferred Benefits program!"
"Is that good?" I asked uncertainly.
"It sure is!" Sue beamed at me, then handed me a credit card with a picture of a cute little worm made from bits of colored paper on it. It was still warm.
"You'll get your first statement in a week to ten days. There's no annual fee, zero percent APR for six months on new fines, and it's accepted at all Hooverville Public Libraries. Plus, as a special added bonus, you can pay your fines online and eliminate ever again having to own up to your bad habits in front of God and everybody. Thank you for borrowing from the South Middle Ipswich Library East. Next!"
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