Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I'll be sporting scars of my own from this experience. Fortunately, they're all on the inside. I'm already making plans to pack vinegar and Accent in the beach bag, right next to the lightning rods and shark repellant.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
The following is a short story about what it might be like when everybody in the country has a robotic car. Whoopee!
The alarm goes off and I leap out of bed. I'm going to work today!
I hit the bathroom, get dressed as quickly as I can, run into the kitchen to grab cold pizza, slip on my shoes, and then fly out the door. I run to the garage, key in my code and jump in my car. Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
Let's see, what shall I be today? A senior citizen? A crazy teenager? Nope. Today I feel like an asshole. I scroll to "Asshole" on the console screen, and immediately a nasty voice rips out from the speakers. "Hey, buttwipe! Put your seat belt on!" I buckle up and immediately my car is flying backwards out the driveway, narrowly missing my neighbor and her stupid dog, and bumping a bicyclist on the sidewalk. Everyone glares at me and I laugh maniacally! I love work days!
Zoom! Now we're racing to the signal light at the end of my street. It's just turned yellow and I think, Oh poopy! and then sudden acceleration pushes me back into my seat. Whoohoo! My car is going for it! Squealing through the turn, four seconds into the red, we cut off four lanes of traffic and everyone's car honks like crazy. I crank open the moon roof and flip them all off using both hands!
Whoops! We're being tailed. Looks like someone pushed the "Homicidal Maniac" button this morning! Damn! I wanted that option but my wife said we couldn't afford the insurance. It's a hot looking car, too. A big mudder with chrome everything, tractor-sized tires and black window tinting. It looks like pure evil coming up behind us! My heart is thumping so hard I think I might pee my pants.
Screee! The truck comes up to my car's rear bumper and jams on the brakes hard enough to give its passenger whiplash. I try to see into the front of the truck but the windshield is too dark. Is there anyone even in that thing? There must be. Cars don't drive themselves. They drive us! Anywhere, anytime, anyhow!
I can't even imagine how it must have been before, when you had to actually do things to get somewhere! Turn a steering wheel, shift gears, push pedals with your feet, sometimes all three at once! And you had to be so alert and careful! You had to take a test and everything before! This is so much more fun! Every day is like a brand new rollercoaster ride!
Now my car starts swerving in and out of traffic. This is one of my favorite parts of the ride. My body rocks back and forth in my seat and I close my eyes, but not for long. It's so much more exciting when you watch the whole way there!
There are at least four other cars doing the same thing on this stretch of road. "Assholes of the world, unite!" I shout. We come within a frog hair of each other, weaving a tight, four-stranded braid from Old St. Augustine Road right up to San Jose Boulevard. Ha ha ha! My stomach hurts from laughing so much, but I feel so alive! This is such a great way to start the day!
I look at the other cars' passengers. They're all laughing, too. I'm so so glad I decided to be an asshole today!
With a jerk and squeal of the tires we jump a curb into the office parking lot, beating out some poor sod who was patiently waiting for a spot to open up in front of the chiropractor's office. My car yells at me to get out. "What are you waiting for, buttface?"
I'm still gasping for breath, so it's hard to get words out. But I have to. "Take me back home again, car." I've forgotten to bring dry pants again. Damn it! That's the third time in two weeks! Oh well, I'll just have to step on it to back again before it's time to open up. I wave to Mrs. Godin, standing outside the doors to the building. "Be back in a minute," I yell out the window.
Then I scroll down the menu on the console and select "Nascar." Whee!