Mailing out

Sent a letter to my mother with some pictures in it of my daughter at college and one of my sons working on a school science project. I put the pictures in the envelope after writing on the backs of them, explaining what's going on in them, maybe too much. She's not stupid.

I try to send her four pictures a week. Sometimes I get my camera out and force myself to record something, anything, so that I have something to send to her. Today I found a picture on the internet of a snowman built out of Legos. I printed it in the corner of a sheet of paper and folded it up so that it made a greeting card. I was sending her Maxine cartoons but then I found them so annoying I decided she'd probably not like them either. Some crabby old woman making nasty remarks. Mom's already surrounded by those.

Still haven't responded to the letter from Mom's cousin. I feel as though anything that I say about Mom and her condition will just sound defensive. I don't want to be defensive. This cousin was Mom's favorite person in the whole world growing up and beyond. Her best friend. How can I tell her that Mom is in a nursing home? How can I admit to her that I couldn't take care of her best friend? Because that's what I'd have to tell her. I couldn't do it. I tried and I failed to provide a home for my mother.

Instead I keep sending these little peace offerings--letters, pictures, flowers--waiting for forgiveness. Which is dumb, because she can't forgive me and I shouldn't be waiting for it. She says she's being punished for having put my dad in a nursing home. I tell her it's not true, but she doesn't believe me. I encouraged her to put dad in a nursing home because I could see it was killing her to have to take care of him twenty four hours a day. It was the only way to save her. Now it's circled around again. Putting Mom in a nursing home seems like the only way to save me.

I'll try to call her today.